Fake Enthusiasm
Fake enthusiasm- it basically describes how I am to everyone in my school except for a select few people. There are few people who i actually like in my school. They all seem fake to me- fake and naive. And I’m probably the same. I’m nice to people, but it is only because I am conditioned to do so. And i do it in case one day I’m going to need or want something from them. It sounds so selfish and shallow, but it seems like the truth to me. At least right now. Maybe I should change that about myself. Be more genuine to others. Then maybe I can be happier. But then again, why are other people so important? We all want good relationships. But whats wrong with being alone? What is so bae about being hated by other people?
New Year. New me?
Do I want to change for New Year’s? Of course. And people always criticize others for wanting to change on New Years. Ohh, you should be able to set goals at any time of the year! Well, it’s nice to actually have some motivation. And you shouldn’t be discouraging others from wanting to achieve their goals. So here are some of my resolutions.
1) Stop making decisions based on what other people want. I should be more concerned with myself- not in a selfish way, but I don’t want the opinions of others to be the foremost influence on my actions.
2) Learn to think independently. I don’t want to be like everyone else in the world. I want to have my own opinions. I want to find myself.
3) Stop procrastinating. I should disable my facebook and block youtube- but we all know that’s too hard for me. One day I will not be so dependent and obsessive with facebook. I will get my work done ON TIME. And now would be a good time to start.
4) Get more sleep. Like always.
5) Meet and get to know some new amazing people. I know some amazing people now and I would like to get to know them better, but it would be cool to meet new people, too.
Time to finish my homework I haven’t touched yet. Lezgo.
Being “Unique”
There is always an emphasis on being unique- be yourself! Don’t follow what everyone else is doing! I do support this, but what is truly being unique? Having individual thoughts? How can one have individual thoughts if everything they think is somehow predisposed by some other source? I know our experiences are all unique, but the reactions to those experiences must be bias in some way. You are thinking the way your teachers want you to think. You are acting the way your friends and family want you to act. Opinions arise from knowledge, but that knowledge is learned through a certain perspective. How do we become totally unique? By thinking thoughts never thought before? By taking knowledge and putting our own spin on it? What to do. What is right? Is it really that essential to be unique? And that brings us to the big, recurring question: What is the meaning of life?
What do I want from life?
Why.
And now I want to briefly explain my motivation for doing this. I have recently come upon a tumblr of an acquaintance (mad stalking bro LOL— sorry. had to.), and his writing just inspired me. He sounded so intriguing and captivated my attention immediately. I wanted to sound like him. He sounded smart (however, through further stalking, I realized his ideas were not that great and mostly inspired through drugs. Bummer.). I wanted to sound like him- persuasive, charismatic, all that good stuff. And then I watched a movie- V for Vendetta. It was such a GREAT movie. Very moving- the message was clear. I felt I was being too shallow- the world was too concentrated on the small things that didn’t really matter. Especially teenagers these days- finding a boyfriend/girlfriend, how one appears on the outside. I was getting sick of it. Do the opinions of others really matter that much? And I must admit, I am a hypocrite in some aspects. The opinions of others can really affect me sometimes. But I realize it is wrong and I want to change that. Another thing is history class. That can really get to you sometimes- all those reforms in the way humans think. All of those rebellions. Emerson and Thoreau. Their ideas are really revolutionary. However, you can’t take their ideas for granted. You can’t worship them. You have to have some sort of doubt in your mind. Or at least I do. Merry Christmas everyone.
*Edit: And you can’t forget psychology class. That gets to you too.
So four months have gone by and I feel like I’ve changed so much. I’m rereading all of my other posts and I just feel as if I was so naive back then. Life was simple. My mind is constantly filled with these confusing thoughts nowadays; so many ideas and contradictions. I don’t know what to believe- what’s right. I feel like a mess- everything is jumbled up inside of my head. I have been exposed to so many radical ideas these past four months, and I’ve been doing a lot of deep thinking. Except none of it is organized so I don’t know what exactly my goal is. Hopefully I can clear my thoughts a little through here- but it’s hard to accurately articulate my thoughts with words. Maybe I can practice here. In addition to clarifying my thoughts, I also want to bolster my writing and vocabulary skills (Thesaurus is my best friend right now). I want to sound eloquent and skilled (dexterous?). I want to be charismatic through words. I know I’m going to reread this and probably think I’m an idiot later, but this is what I want right now on this fine Christmas morning (1:48am).
End of Summer
SO. A whole summer has gone by. I believe that I have changed… A little. Haha life is different now! I DO NOT WANT SUMMER TO END. At all. I’m loving it. Even though today I was a little bored. Ugh schoool. So many faces that I don’t want to see. My friend from another town said that she liked it there so much better (she moved there). Friendlier people and environment, ya know. Ugh. I just hope this year is better than last year. I got my schedule and it doesn’t seem too bad. Let’s see how this goes. I’m closer with my swimming friends now.
Looking Forward to Sophomore year.
Honestly, now that Freshman year is pretty much done, I’m glad. Don’t get me wrong- I liked being a freshman. I really did. I was able to be stupid with an excuse of being a freshman. And being a sophomore, I probably still have that excuse. But I really need to get out more. This whole year, AP World has taken over all of my time. I kind of secluded myself from other people. Doing that, I grew to hate my school and everyone in it. I use that term very loosely here. I don’t know, I just wasn’t really glad to see anyone, with a few exceptions.
But now it’s time for Sophomore year. I can tell that this year will bring a lot of changes. But I have a good feeling about this year. I really love my classes, and I can feel my swimming career about to take off. I made the state cut in March, so I really want to go to states! I really do. So badly. GAH. But again, I want to meet new people that I can really depend on. I can depend on many people in my life, but none of them are really a perfect fit. None of them are so close that I can tell them anything. But I don’t know. Maybe that’s not possible for me. I don’t open up to anyone.
I’m going to come up with some goals for Sophomore year:
1. Maintain/Raise grades
2. Actually Study more
3. Meet new people
4. Get more involved
5. Better time management
6. Keeping organized
7. Be more positive
Yes. There we go.
I don’t get it.
I run away from what I want. People, for example. If I really like somebody, I find myself running away. Am I afraid of it? Maybe. But why? I really need to fix this. I wish I was braver. I wish I was able to confront people. Like my crushes? I find a way to stay as far as possible while they are still in my line of vision. I need to stop this. And also during swimming races. It’s like I’m afraid to go all out. I need to fix this.
Summer!
So I’m almost done with finals. And then it’s summer! Yay! I’m actually very excited. But when the next two weeks are over, I’ll probably be so bored all the time. I need to plan my summer out and be productive. I want to meet some new people, too. AND also have some FUN with my friends. I already have a tan from swimming outside 8)
SO much going on with my life though. Ugh. Plus, my brother is leaving after this summer. I don’t want him to :’(. It’s the end of an era. Honestly, I will miss him so much. Other pairs of siblings might go, “oh, I won’t miss my older sibling at all” and then end up missing them anyways. I MISS HIM ALREADY. I spent my whole childhood with him, and he has been an amazing role model. I know he’ll go very far in life. We’re so close and I don’t want that to change. When we grow up, I vow to keep in touch forever. But I don’t know how I’ll get through the rest of high school without him… I honestly can’t deal with the psychotic woman that I call my mother. Ugh. Rant on her later. My throat hurts now. I don’t want it to! I have a meet tomorrow.
So yeah. Now I’m going to go and clean my room or study or something like that. Yay.
Procrastination
WOOHOO I’m on a roleee with this bloggie.
And I was just thinking… Why do people procrastinate so much? Especially these high schoolers. EVERYONE procrastinates. I’m procrastinating right now.
I’m just gonna tell y’all what I think about it.
First, let’s define it:
Procrastination:
To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness; To postpone or delay needlessly.
TRUE. LIFE.I must say, those definitions are quite true. But why do we do it? It is a habitual thing, I guess. We’re all so used to procrastinating. But we all know it’s bad! And does result out of laziness. It IS needless. And we all WANT to stop procrastinating, too. It’s nothing to be proud of. And we know that we can do whatever we want to when we finish what we have to do. We might get some more sleep. Nothing good comes out of procrastination.Is it because we don’t want to suffer? But we will eventually have to do it. Maybe it’s because we all just want a break from everything.
Ugh I have to stop.
But if anybody is actually reading this, would you like to share your opinion? It would be awesome to see what other people think :]
So, why do you think people procrastinate so much?
